and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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