Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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