Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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