Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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