True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
