we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
