I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
