I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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