I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
