you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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