trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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