Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I cut my penus on the lid.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
