i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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