I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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