I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
