I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
