I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
