im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
