I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I don't deserve a penis
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
