Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
