My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm really busy with my period
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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