i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
