i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
