Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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