I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
