he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
