I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
