My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
