I hate your face
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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