call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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