Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
