you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
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