Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
