i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
