why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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