I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We left an ass print on the piano.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
