Barsexuality is the new black.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
