You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
