There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
home. puking in laundry basket.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
