I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
