$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
...so i touched it.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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