K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
