what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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