Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
40s are totally the cure
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize