Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
