i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Drunk is not a location!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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