I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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