I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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