All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
