Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
She needs sedatives and a leash
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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