It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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