ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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