We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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