mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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