When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize