I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
