I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
