i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
