Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize