Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
