All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
