if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
