I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
