so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
