I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
