If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i was born a porn star she said
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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