sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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