i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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