You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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